“You’re sweet, strong and you must be knackered – that’s okay. It’s hard to get to the core of who you are, to learn what you like, or who you like. Even when you’ve figured it out, it can be hard to swallow. Being gay was never part of the life plan. Accepting it was also not on the agenda, but you will and you’ll be ok.”
I didn’t show any signs of being gay, it hadn’t crossed my mind. So realising that I was made me try even harder to be straight. Not entirely a bad thing. I mean you can’t hide forever, but it did help to figure it all out. Yes, I find men attractive, but no, I don’t want a sexual relationship with one. The thing is, there is no handbook on ‘how to be a lesbian’. If there was, there would be so many more lesbians in this world. With no single criteria, everyone’s ‘gayness’ comes in different forms. Yours included.
There were a few things that prevented me from coming out. Being a femme, I didn’t want to be sexualised. This is my life – not a fricking porno. Over time you’ll learn how to respond to inappropriate questions. People should respect you and you have the right to demand that.
Being a femme, I didn’t want to be sexualised. This is my life – not a fricking porno.
Aside from this, I didn’t want to be seen differently. I know now that regardless of my sexuality, change is inevitable. If you don’t seek to embrace change, then life will be even more of a challenge. If you get a new job, move away…start a blog. People will see you differently no matter what you do. It might be positive, it might be negative, either way it’s out of your control. So why worry about it? You don’t need to seek validation – you could be waiting a long time if you do.
Stop waiting for the right time to come out. How I envisioned coming out compared to how I did was quite different. I wanted to be fully comfortable, confident etc. In reality, it was an explosive and alcohol-infused situation. Far from perfect and it hurt like hell. After years of bottling my feelings, living a double life and keeping secrets, it was bound to end up badly. But ultimately I needed it to happen. It was scary and I didn’t feel ready, but when are we ever fully prepared for a major life change?
Finally, don’t fear the word ‘lesbian’. It’s not dirty or shameful. It’s just a label.